I walked up to the porch to put my name down on the sign-up sheet. I was number 32. Yikes. It was a very small house, so I knew they would only be letting a handful of people in at a time. This could be a long wait. I went back to my car and played some "Angry Birds" on my phone to keep me occupied. I saw them let some people in at 9:00, and finally about 9:15, I decided to go wait outside for my turn. I'm thankful it wasn't super cold out. It was almost 40 degrees, which is downright balmy this time of year in Wisconsin. However, I had to question why the man next to me was wearing shorts. C'mon dude...it's not that nice. My mom always said it had to be 70 degrees before we could wear shorts. This guy was 30 degrees off.
A few people trickled out of the home with random household goods (some old speakers, pots and pans, etc). They weren't really letting more people in, which was irritating to me and everyone else waiting out there. There was about 20 people standing around. I wondered how many they had let in originally. At this rate, I was going to be out here all morning, and I wasn't sure it was worth it. I am a little bit of a "Negative Nelli" and in my pessimistic brain, all the good stuff was going to be scooped up by the other 31 people ahead of me. Should I stay? I knew what my husband would say if he were there, "You're here, you might as well stick it out. You're in no hurry." Okay...he would be right (I hate that he is always right).
Just then, they let some more people in the house. Someone shouted, "What number you at?!" "Twenty-nine!" the woman responded. Oh! That isn't so bad. Just a few more people and I would be in. That's right about the time that the dude in shorts walked up to me and asked, "What number are you?" I told him I was number 32. "Oh wow," he says. "I'm number 60-something." Um, dude, there is no way they had 60 people on that list. "Do you think I could say I'm with you and we could go in together?" Hell no buddy! Wait you turn like everybody else! I played kinda dumb and said, "Well, I don't know if they'd let us go in as a pair, and I doubt there are 60 people here." He said, "Yeah, I just don't want to wait out here in the cold." Well put some pants on for God's sake! He then referenced his bare legs and I said, "Yeah, I was wondering what you were thinking showing up in shorts." He laughed and THAT, my friends, is when it started to get weird.
He said, "Yeah, well, I'm getting vitamin D from the sun and nobody else is. A lot of people don't get enough vitamin D." I said, "Yeah, I take a supplement for that." I wish I wouldn't have said that. He then proceeded to go off on a tyrant about supplements and how there are 2 kinds of vitamin D (D-Alpha and something else) and most of us take the wrong one. "If you just go to Walgreen's you are gonna get the wrong one," he says matter-of-factly. I said, "Well, my husband is a Nurse Practitioner, so I just take what he tells me to." Then he moved onto Omega 3 Fish Oil. Apparently, (according to the Shorts Guy) the body needs 8x more Omega 6 than Omega 3, and when he looked at the Omega 3 at Pick 'N Save, there was NO Omega 6 listed in the ingredients. I didn't know what to say other than, "Interesting." I mean, maybe he's right, but I certainly didn't care.
Okay...so then he says, "You know, I'll be 59 in June, and I'm in great shape. I can jump really high (on account of all the Vitamin D he gets from wearing shorts, I'm sure)." He goes on to tell me that "back in the day" he used to shoot hoops with professional basketball players at Wilson Park, and then he starts dropping names like crazy. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the only one I can remember. He told me how he blocked the jumpshot of a guy who was 6'6" and how some other guy was up on the hill smoking pot.
Then he says, "If you're not doing anything July 26th, there's this party we do at the park. You should come." At first, I was kinda creeped out. Was he hitting on me? And then he proceeds to list the millions of things they will have at the party. Now picture me saying the following in a Napoleon Dynamite voice: Lawn darts... Bocce Ball... Movie Trivia... Music Trivia... Swing Ball... Volleyball...Oh, and one of those slingshots that you put water balloons in....and a Keg of Miller High Life...which is all free with a $10.00 admission. Awesome, I'll clear my calender (sarcasm). Also, you may all be interested to know that he sets up the volleyball net to be 4" higher than his fingertips can reach, and he is STILL able to jump so his elbow reaches the top of the net. Wow, Shorts Guy, WOW.
At this point, I am dying for someone to let me in the house so that I can get away from Shorts Guy. Then he asks, "Hey, I am only here for the red Omega blender. I busted my sister's so I owe her one, and this way I figure I can get it for five or ten bucks. Maybe if you go in there and it's still there, you could just buy it for me." Okay Shorts Guy, at this point, I am tired of you, so "sure," I'll get you your blender. Luckily, the front door of the house opened and they called a few more people in, including me. Thank you Lord!
I walked in, focused on my jewelry mission (and trying to forget about Shorts Guy). I was actually impressed with their jewelry selection, and spent five minutes picking out a few good pieces. Then I walked in the kitchen, and there was the the red blender staring back at me. It was $15.00. He thought he'd get it for $5-$10. Forget it, Shorts Guy, I'm not going to make that decision for you. I proceeded to pay for my items, and as I was doing so, they let more people into the house, including Shorts Guy. Number 60-something my ass. I was actually relieved that he got in when he did so that I didn't have to explain to him as I left the house why I didn't get him his blender. I pointed him in the direction of the kitchen, and said, "In there..15 bucks." And that was the last time I ever saw Shorts Guy.
So all in all, a good morning. My trip was successful jewelry-wise. Next time, I will be sure to get there earlier so that I can be sure to get first-dibs on the jewelry and avoid awkward conversations with random people like Shorts Guy. Lesson learned.
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Maybe he will become a regular at estate sales so he can try to find you again. :)
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